Have some faith, you're incredible.

Ya know how in the Wizard of Oz they all had their minds set on this epic journey? In the end they'd get to talk to and stand before the spectacular, mighty, and powerful wizard. Nothing could stop them from getting there! Nothing could prevent them from finishing, from reaching their goal, from succeeding. The entire time.. through every complication of the road, the end reward kept them going. Determination & motivation.. inspiring isn't it? Sigh, it's so admirable. But yet, in the end.. this all high and mighty, spectacular wizard turned out to be nothing more than an ordinary man.
I've been so afraid, for SO long..about so many things. Afraid that in the end, I'll find out that my phenomenon was nothing more then my imagination. Petrified that everything is an unreachable hallucination. I guess, when you put all your hopes, dreams, or anything completely in someone or something else.. there's no guarantee of getting all that you expect. Expectations largely determine our perceptions of life. Unless we're constantly satisfied we tend to think life is "against us." Believing that this world should cater to our ever need..we're only setting ourselves up to be disappointed. Money, marital status, or possessions..only lead to temporary fulfillment, if that. Relying on any other human being to be our constant, and single source of contentment or happiness is an impossible standard to upkeep.. no matter how wonderful the person may be.
In the end we need to stand up for ourselves. We need to love who we are. We need to not allow what we do, or what we want to define us. Each person in this world can be destined for greatness, if that's what they strive for. We create our own destiny. No limitations. Its unfair to ask another to love you before loving yourself. Selfishness is no way to start any type of relationship. We all have our purposes. We're all of importance. You can waste your time wining about what you don't have, about all that's "against you".. or you can go out and do something about it. Dreams don't have to stay dreams. No matter what kind of mistakes we make, no matter how selfishly we may act, no matter how much wreckage we leave in our path.. our futures are never hopeless. WE are NEVER hopeless. God is always present & we all hold a position in his heart as unique, unrepeatable expressions of his love=]
--Angelica Ruth.

Words erased. Lets reconstruct.

Remember when I had paragraphs and paragraphs about the boy? Well, lets try again. Just because you can't see what's "wrong" with someone, doesn't mean they're "right." Because, whether we'd like to believe it or not.. there are great people in the world. We're surrounded by them. We just, for some reason, spend our time focusing on the bad people and all that's wrong in our life.. instead of the upper side. We're human. Point is, we can't go around falling for every good person in this world. If we let that happen, we're going to end up over looking the right person.If a man wants you, nothing can keep him away & if he doesn't, nothing can make him stay. How brutal is this world of love? The ups, downs, build me up, break me to pieces, naive and hopeful fantasy we bathe in. So true. But so worth it. I have some of THE most incredible people to ever walk this world in my life. I'm so beyond blessed. I have more love in my life, that most people only dream of. It's astonishing to realize that there's so much more to come. One of the remarkable people in my life showed me a quote that couldn't fit more perfectly.
"The funny thing about love is that sometimes we're so scared of getting hurt or of it not working out..that we shy away from the opportunity staring us straight in the eye. We're so scared, too scared to take a chance. It well may be in the end of it all, when we turn around we have true love in our grasps and just never realized we were so close." I never tire of turning around and being stunned at all the possibilities I over look. My over analyzing, worrisome, caring ways can definitely get me in my share of debacles... but it also leads to a pretty damn moving epiphany. Let's try this again.
Hi, I'm Angelica. I used to think I knew it all, come to find out--I don't. I'm not invincible either, that lesson hurt a lot more then you'd imagine. I'm a sucker for the little things in life. Pick me a flower from my front yard, and tell me you traveled the world for the perfect one & it led you back to me. Don't take my heart, earn it. I sometimes pretend i'm this impossible heart to grasp, no one can break through.. wrong again, i sometimes wear my heart on my sleeve for all the wrong boys. I'm just a girl. I have dreams, determination, desires, and fears just like every one else. To you i might just be another face in the crowd. But someday, to someone, i'll be the one. I'm destined for love, just like you. Thrilling aint it? But frustration's quick to follow. Music is where you'll find my soul, it'll be outdoors, along with all the animals and kids, on a warm day with everyone drinking lemonade and laughing to no end.Dire to have someone. Ha, nah. Just thankful to God that someday it'll be real. Someday i'll be holding his hand as he's holding me.. I'll look up into those eyes and feel it again. That rush, comfort, the certainty. I'll smile & tell you I never doubted you, i knew you were real. The way I see it, patience is a pretty small price to pay for what you'll be rewarded with in the end. Dontcha think?I want happiness just like everyone else. It's not the boy in the past i'm chasing. It's the emotion from the memory. Being held, looking up and knowing you're in the arms of the person who loves you most in the world. The little moments. The stupid humiliating stories only you two know about. The security, trust, total package. I miss looking at someone knowing there wasn't a competition. I was it. Seeing him and no one else came close to comparison. He didn't have to be the cutest, funniest, smartest, most talented anything. Nothing else mattered, because he was the only one to give me that feeling.
You know what I'm talking about. You want to smile, laugh, cry, scream, hold 'em close and run away all at once. You're not exactly sure if anything about the person or relationship in itself fits or is "right" but you KNOW that the feeling can't be wrong. There's nothing wrong about something so beautiful. All anyone wants is someone to love them back. If we find that, we're the luckiest person in the world. I've come to realize, and ACCEPT that my past can't keep defining my now, and what I do with my future. Because if that continues.. then i guess i'm here forever. I can't be stuck on the other side of the glass. I'm better than that. I'm the girl who deserves it all.
Maybe we're meant to meet the wrong people before meeting the right one, so that when we finally meet the right person, we'll know how grateful to be for the gift. Maybe it's true that we don't know what we have until we lose it. But yet we don't know what we've been missing until it arrives. Giving someone all your love is never an assurance that they'll love you back. The happiest of people don't necessarily have the best of everything; they just make the most of everything that comes their way. Happiness lays with those who cry, those who hurt, those who have searched, and those who have tried, for only they can appreciate the importance of the people who've touched their lives.
--Angelica Ruth.

Heart of mine.

The first love of my life... Sigh, what a roller coaster those years were. He was my best friend. We helped each other further figure out who we were as individuals. Showed one another what love was, what love is. I was a dumb girl, it seems to be a pattern. This boy was, is, and will always be one of the better parts of my life, of who I am.

Does anyone ever really get over a first love? I mean, honestly? I think it's crap. I believe that whomever we first fall in love with, whether it ended badly or not, will always be a part of us. We may deny, and bury all evidence..but it's carved into our hearts. We all learned something.

Maybe we learned that sometimes love just isn't enough, or to value who/what we have WHILE we have it.. or maybe we fell for the scum of the earth and learned to be smarter. Learned we're worth more. But we all took something out of it. I by no means regret meeting this boy. He's probably more brilliant then he'll ever act upon or realize. I have nothing but the greatest of wishes for him. I still think about him often, hope he's well. Our pictures are still up. Reminding me. Always and always.

Lately my moods have been kind of everywhere. Life in general has me in a whirl. However, love...boys. Past & present have taken up a majority of space. My heart is SO incredibly full and willing..but my heart, just like yours and everyone elses has battled long and hard. I'm petrified! I was destroyed after Jay. Didn't know what I had demolished. Watched as my world crumbled. I guess we've all been there. But he was my best friend. Losing a boy, that was easy enough.. but losing my other half? It was hell. How cliche` is that? Falling for your best friend. Ha. Yeah, some people who know me would tell you it's my trade mark.

Yes, i'm afraid of being hurt. But i'm even more afraid of staying like this the rest of my life. Alone. I'm capable of more and I know it. So I'm done hiding behind my fear. Wondering how long he'll stay or if i'm good enough. I'm tired of being someones "for now" I want to be your forever. There's once in a lifetime, and there's once in a while. & i'm here for the long haul. Through all your good and everything bad. I wanna be the one who's your constant. Trust me. I'm worth it. Took me forever to actually believe, but I guess baby steps really do work. I'm done sitting with misery wondering when it's my turn. Truth be told i've just been passing them right by. Not anymore.. I'm not worthless. I'm not just another face in the crowd. & if that's who you see me as then you're someone I don't need! Dear God, I've been talking a lot lately, i hope you haven't tired of me yet=] You know i'm the type to save my favors. Never ask till I'm sure it's right. Needed. Well here I am. You must know what i'm talking about.. =] 11:11 he's been the every wish lately. Today you showed me the sign i've asked for. You amaze me. So please, don't leave me now. I could use your strength. I've been afraid of losing his friendship, afraid i'm not good enough. Even neglected possiblity in the past and found distraction in a friend. Diversions, usually my game. But i've changed and he's just what I prayed for. You're constantly surprising me. Without you i'm not sure i'd be able to take the leap. I've inquired a lot. Still praying, in due time all will work out. I trust you. My mind and heart have been torn to shreds, and stomped upon time and time again. But I have a feeling my time is finally coming. Things are going to be okay. Whether they go as I hope or not. I know you'll lead back to where i'm okay. You always do.

--Angelica Ruth.

Introduction..

Hi, my name's Angelica. Your basic, boring, average, 19 year old. Except not ha ha, I'm pretty much anything but ordinary, a puzzle, broken, and complicated; but in all the right ways. That's me over in the upper left. I'm from a small town in central California. It's no where special. Yet, there's no where else I'd rather be=] This over here below is my family=] Plus two others who might as well be family. Tristin and Chelsea. I miss those days. Mom's the shorter one, she's kind of ridiculous. But--in a good way. She's not always the one who says the right things at the right time.. but she's consistent in being one of the strongest women I know. She wears her emotions on her sleeve, she says never and always far too much, and will pass judgment in a second. But regardless of any faults she has, cause lets face it--we all have our truck loads.. she's the most perfect mother, or woman you'll ever meet. I may sometimes deny it, but i'd be the luckiest person on earth if I amounted to even half of the woman my mother is. Oh, btw dad's the one snapping the shot! This is him over to the right.=] My dad's a super hero. Trust me on that! He's one of the greatest men to have ever walked this earth. I'm not just saying this because he helped with the whole, me being born thing. I love him beyond belief, he's a blessing to this world!=]
There's two more people to add to the happy family bunch. They're fairly new to the clan. Though, I must say, they fit quite nicely! =] Well, as nicely as families usually fit haha. This is Gracie, my niece! She's my most cherished person in this world. This little girl lights up my everything in life! It wouldn't happen if it weren't for the short lady holding her =] Jackie, the sister in law. If you didn't already catch it, i'm the only girl. Three brothers. Oi, lets just say I was ecstatic to finallllly have some more estrogen come along=]Those people are my rocks, my everything. No questions asked. I'm one of the luckiest people on this planet. I'm a girl with about 897823 tons to say. But for today, I just introduced THE most important parts of me=] --Angelica Ruth.