Heart of mine.

The first love of my life... Sigh, what a roller coaster those years were. He was my best friend. We helped each other further figure out who we were as individuals. Showed one another what love was, what love is. I was a dumb girl, it seems to be a pattern. This boy was, is, and will always be one of the better parts of my life, of who I am.

Does anyone ever really get over a first love? I mean, honestly? I think it's crap. I believe that whomever we first fall in love with, whether it ended badly or not, will always be a part of us. We may deny, and bury all evidence..but it's carved into our hearts. We all learned something.

Maybe we learned that sometimes love just isn't enough, or to value who/what we have WHILE we have it.. or maybe we fell for the scum of the earth and learned to be smarter. Learned we're worth more. But we all took something out of it. I by no means regret meeting this boy. He's probably more brilliant then he'll ever act upon or realize. I have nothing but the greatest of wishes for him. I still think about him often, hope he's well. Our pictures are still up. Reminding me. Always and always.

Lately my moods have been kind of everywhere. Life in general has me in a whirl. However, love...boys. Past & present have taken up a majority of space. My heart is SO incredibly full and willing..but my heart, just like yours and everyone elses has battled long and hard. I'm petrified! I was destroyed after Jay. Didn't know what I had demolished. Watched as my world crumbled. I guess we've all been there. But he was my best friend. Losing a boy, that was easy enough.. but losing my other half? It was hell. How cliche` is that? Falling for your best friend. Ha. Yeah, some people who know me would tell you it's my trade mark.

Yes, i'm afraid of being hurt. But i'm even more afraid of staying like this the rest of my life. Alone. I'm capable of more and I know it. So I'm done hiding behind my fear. Wondering how long he'll stay or if i'm good enough. I'm tired of being someones "for now" I want to be your forever. There's once in a lifetime, and there's once in a while. & i'm here for the long haul. Through all your good and everything bad. I wanna be the one who's your constant. Trust me. I'm worth it. Took me forever to actually believe, but I guess baby steps really do work. I'm done sitting with misery wondering when it's my turn. Truth be told i've just been passing them right by. Not anymore.. I'm not worthless. I'm not just another face in the crowd. & if that's who you see me as then you're someone I don't need! Dear God, I've been talking a lot lately, i hope you haven't tired of me yet=] You know i'm the type to save my favors. Never ask till I'm sure it's right. Needed. Well here I am. You must know what i'm talking about.. =] 11:11 he's been the every wish lately. Today you showed me the sign i've asked for. You amaze me. So please, don't leave me now. I could use your strength. I've been afraid of losing his friendship, afraid i'm not good enough. Even neglected possiblity in the past and found distraction in a friend. Diversions, usually my game. But i've changed and he's just what I prayed for. You're constantly surprising me. Without you i'm not sure i'd be able to take the leap. I've inquired a lot. Still praying, in due time all will work out. I trust you. My mind and heart have been torn to shreds, and stomped upon time and time again. But I have a feeling my time is finally coming. Things are going to be okay. Whether they go as I hope or not. I know you'll lead back to where i'm okay. You always do.

--Angelica Ruth.

Introduction..

Hi, my name's Angelica. Your basic, boring, average, 19 year old. Except not ha ha, I'm pretty much anything but ordinary, a puzzle, broken, and complicated; but in all the right ways. That's me over in the upper left. I'm from a small town in central California. It's no where special. Yet, there's no where else I'd rather be=] This over here below is my family=] Plus two others who might as well be family. Tristin and Chelsea. I miss those days. Mom's the shorter one, she's kind of ridiculous. But--in a good way. She's not always the one who says the right things at the right time.. but she's consistent in being one of the strongest women I know. She wears her emotions on her sleeve, she says never and always far too much, and will pass judgment in a second. But regardless of any faults she has, cause lets face it--we all have our truck loads.. she's the most perfect mother, or woman you'll ever meet. I may sometimes deny it, but i'd be the luckiest person on earth if I amounted to even half of the woman my mother is. Oh, btw dad's the one snapping the shot! This is him over to the right.=] My dad's a super hero. Trust me on that! He's one of the greatest men to have ever walked this earth. I'm not just saying this because he helped with the whole, me being born thing. I love him beyond belief, he's a blessing to this world!=]
There's two more people to add to the happy family bunch. They're fairly new to the clan. Though, I must say, they fit quite nicely! =] Well, as nicely as families usually fit haha. This is Gracie, my niece! She's my most cherished person in this world. This little girl lights up my everything in life! It wouldn't happen if it weren't for the short lady holding her =] Jackie, the sister in law. If you didn't already catch it, i'm the only girl. Three brothers. Oi, lets just say I was ecstatic to finallllly have some more estrogen come along=]Those people are my rocks, my everything. No questions asked. I'm one of the luckiest people on this planet. I'm a girl with about 897823 tons to say. But for today, I just introduced THE most important parts of me=] --Angelica Ruth.