One. Two. Three.

In life we have 3 choices. We can give up, give in, or give it our all.

The way I see it, we were only given this particular life because we're strong enough to live it. & in the moments we think we're just about to lose.. those are the moments in which we grow stronger.

-Sometimes goodbye is a second chance-

There are two tragedies in life.
One is to lose your heart's desire.
The other is to gain it. Always hold your head up high--Even if on the inside you're about to cry. Pretend that nothing's wrong at all - close your eyes before you fall. If you can't see it, it's not there..
This is life & it's not fair.
Gah, to say things have been tough lately would be an understatement. Excruciating is the only word i can seem to think of. Physically, emotionally, and mentally. At least spiritually i seem to be on the right path. Which i guess should be the most important. Knowing that God is here, and that he proves himself time and time again. Always when you least expect it and it matters most. I'm unsure of about 90% of my life right now, but i'm confident in God. & that has never happened before. I won't take off this cross, i wont lose my way any more than i've already strayed. I've never been much for religion..but there must be a reason you keep saving me. I'm here for a reason. I saw everyone I love in this world stand by me as I faded away, and in their love I survived. I am no one with out my family, my true friends, and my faith. They're my backbone. Some people think if you're not your own strength that you're weak. I don't see it as weak, I see it as loved. Love is a hell of a lot better than lonesome. Right about now i'm not too sure about a loooot of things, but I AM sure that i'm an incredibly blessed girl. You haven't the slightest of idea.
Happily ever after, it's what they want us to believe. That logic is flawed, it's not reality. The deaths, the tears, the fears, the falls..Through it all we still go on. The broken hearts, the cheating friends, the pain that never seems to end.. Just remember that the aching can't last much longer & in the end it'll only leave you stronger.
We all have our own worlds. I know i have mine, and maybe it's a lot like your world. Maybe it's nothing like it. But, if you look closely you might see someone like you. Someone trying to find their way; someone trying to find their place; someone trying to find their self. Sometimes it’s easy to feel like you’re the only one in the world who's struggling, who’s frustrated, or unsatisfied at barely getting by. But, that feeling is a lie and if you just hold on; just find the courage to face it all for another day, someone or something will find the way and make it all okay. We all need a little help sometimes, someone or something to help us hear the music in the world. To remind us that it won’t always be this way, eventually...we'll be okay.
I'm trying to stay positive, i'm trying to focus on the good. Even if it seems like there's not much left.. it's easy to feel abandoned when you know you never actually will be. I'll never be alone. Ever. &That's the truth. I may have some bad, difficult, and painful experiences as i journey through my life, my world..but those experiences were given to me to help me progress.
Every person has their cross to carry. & as I struggle to keep mine up I can look behind me and see the proof that the hardest of times make you the strongest. I can look beside me and see the people in this world who help me breathe, who help me survive, who love me unconditionally. & I can look in front of me, look forward and see a future that is never hopeless.
I see, I know, I believe that this too shall pass.

It's not a question, but a lesson learned in time.

I choose to live by CHOICE, not by chance. I choose to make CHANGES, not excuses. I choose to be MOTIVATED, not manipulated. I choose to be USEFUL, not used. I choose to EXCEL, not compete. I choose SELF WORTH, not self pity. I was born stubborn :) i'm sometimes bitchy and I tend to push people, I push myself. I was taught to never take life for granted, to live to the fullest, to love with everything I have, to never give up, & to believe in myself...but most of all? I was taught to fight for myself.

"Life will only be as much as you'll allow it to be"
Here's to the crazy ones. The misfits. The rebels. The trouble-makers. The round pegs in the square holes. The ones who see things differently. They're not fond of rules, and they have no respect for the status-quo. You can quote them, disagree with them, glorify, or vilify them. But the only thing you can't do is ignore them. Because they change things. They push the human race forward. And while some may see them as the crazy ones, we see genius. Because the people who are crazy enough to think they can change the world, are the ones who do.

Splattered thoughts.

Lately i've been wanting to escape. Somewhere beautiful, phenomenal, serene, farFAR away. We all have those times when things just kind of change, a LOT. & it can sometimes be over baring. I've had all too much time to think. About everything. About life. I'm not sure how easy it'll be to try and form all my nonsense into coherent thoughts...but it's worth a try.
The longer I live, the more I realize the impact of attitude on life. Attitude, to me, is more important than facts. It is more important than the past, the education, the money, the circumstances, the failures, the successes, what other people think. say, or do. It's more important than appearance, giftedness or skill. Attitude can and will make or break a company, a church, a home, a soul. The remarkable thing is we have a choice everyday regarding the attitude we will embrace for that day. We can't change our past, we can't change the fact that people will act in a certain way, & we can't change the inevitable. The only thing we can do is play on the one string that we have, & that's our attitude. I am convinced that life is 10% what happens to us and 90% of how we react to it.
So maybe i've been SO focused and preoccupied with other things in life selfishly telling myself WHAT i feel, instead of having a positive attitude. Does that make sense? We all want everything to be marvelous ALL the time! Lots of us pride ourselves on being "optimist" but lets be honest, quite often that's a bunch of bull =] we TELL ourselves what we SHOULD feel, rather than actually BELIEVING and trusting in what it is we want to feel.
The other day I had a friend point out opinions. & he was VERY right. Not only are our lives largely determined by attitude, but near everything we talk about, or hear about, or live by is how we interpret, take in, or perceive things. We're opinionated about everything. Which isn't necessarily a BAD thing. But it just can sometimes stir things up when we do simple things like, go to friends for advice. Based on our attitude, we're sometimes REALLY vulnerable and easily confuse ourselves with someone elses' opinion. Ahhhh, i feel like i'm speaking another language..sorry! =]

On to the next subject....

We think about it, sing about it, talk about it, dream about it & lose sleep worrying about it. When we don't know we have it, we search for it. When we discover it, we don't know what to do with it. When we have it, we fear losing it. It is the constant source of pleasure and pain. But we don't know which it will be from one moment to the next. It is a short word, easy to spell, difficult to define & lets face it, IMPOSSIBLE to live without. All our lives we search for someone to love. Someone who makes us complete. We choose partners and change partners. We dance to the song of heartbreak and hope. All the while wondering if somehow, there's someone perfect, somewhere, who might be searching for us too.
It's so easy to think about love, sing about love, talk about love, & to dream about love. But it's not always so easy to recognize love that might be right in front of us. Right where it belongs. Because we're TOO afraid of it being everything we've ever and always wanted. Love makes us strong. It makes us COWARDS. It makes us happy! & it BREAKS our hearts.
Love is the most contradictory word, emotion, and action there is.
Our ATTITUDE on love, is everything. These past few weeks i've bounced back and fourth when it came to this word. It's hard to know how you feel, when everything around you, everything you thought you believed in, and knew about it..turns out to be not as perfect as you thought. When your pillars and motivation that you've always depended on turns to shambles.. But i've decided that despite all that can go wrong, and all you can lose, all the pain it can cause...is nothing compared to everything that is right, all you can gain, and all the happiness it brings. I'm destined for it, and so are you.


Just a girl... I used to be just the girl to make someones day go right. I used to be the girl who could light up any room she walked into, and could see the bright side to anything. I was confident, persistent, and determined. Whether things were going my way or not, I was a HAPPY girl. I want to find that girl again. But this time it wont be me, just a girl. I'll be me, i'll be THE girl. Whether i'm who anyone else wants me to be, i'll be just who i want, and need to be. Happy. That's really what matters most.

For every beauty in this world, there is an eye somewhere for someone to see it. For every truth, there is an ear somewhere for someone to hear it. & for every love, there is a heart somewhere for someone to receive it.
Remember that, believe that, annnnd trust that!
--Angelica Ruth

You.

I wish it were now, I wish I were ready now...
Trying to get a grasp on life lately. Things have definitely improved a bit.. But still, i'm gaining or trying to grasp more of an idea of who I am, who I need to be, who and what will make me happiest. Slowly but surely I think i'm getting there. I desperately wish I were all grown up already lol.. i'm aware of how lame that may sound. But in all seriousness, I yearn for that above all. People always say to cherish your childhood. & I did. I'm not a child, I'm not exactly sure what you'd call me now. Unfinished? In between? A mess? haha. About right.. The career, the husband, the house, the kids.. the life=] I'd be SO good at it.. REALLY. I promise. I'm ecstatic, anxious, scared, but so.. so ready... Gah, maybe I really am just, naive. It's possible, it's happened before. I realize I'm speaking another language right now.. tends to happen in times like these.

I don't know your name. I don't know what color your eyes are, or the way you cringe when you're disgusted. I haven't seen you cry, and I haven't felt you care. You've yet to gaze toward me and say all the right things, even if it's at the wrong time. Your touch hasn't sent the butterflies wild yet. & your smile has yet to make me soar. I'm still aching for your kiss, anxiously awaiting the way you'll know it all before i say a word.. Still waiting for the stupid arguments, for those times I wanna kick you. & for the forgiveness you never needed in the first place.
I'm still here, I'm still waiting. I don't know your name, and I don't know what color your eyes are.. but i already know you're the color to my world.
You know that romantic notion that all the garbage and the pain in love is really healing, beautiful and sort of poetic? It’s not. It’s just garbage and it’s pain. You know what’s better? Love. The day that you start thinking that love is overrated is the day that you’re wrong. The only thing wrong with love, faith and belief is not having it.

Have some faith, you're incredible.

Ya know how in the Wizard of Oz they all had their minds set on this epic journey? In the end they'd get to talk to and stand before the spectacular, mighty, and powerful wizard. Nothing could stop them from getting there! Nothing could prevent them from finishing, from reaching their goal, from succeeding. The entire time.. through every complication of the road, the end reward kept them going. Determination & motivation.. inspiring isn't it? Sigh, it's so admirable. But yet, in the end.. this all high and mighty, spectacular wizard turned out to be nothing more than an ordinary man.
I've been so afraid, for SO long..about so many things. Afraid that in the end, I'll find out that my phenomenon was nothing more then my imagination. Petrified that everything is an unreachable hallucination. I guess, when you put all your hopes, dreams, or anything completely in someone or something else.. there's no guarantee of getting all that you expect. Expectations largely determine our perceptions of life. Unless we're constantly satisfied we tend to think life is "against us." Believing that this world should cater to our ever need..we're only setting ourselves up to be disappointed. Money, marital status, or possessions..only lead to temporary fulfillment, if that. Relying on any other human being to be our constant, and single source of contentment or happiness is an impossible standard to upkeep.. no matter how wonderful the person may be.
In the end we need to stand up for ourselves. We need to love who we are. We need to not allow what we do, or what we want to define us. Each person in this world can be destined for greatness, if that's what they strive for. We create our own destiny. No limitations. Its unfair to ask another to love you before loving yourself. Selfishness is no way to start any type of relationship. We all have our purposes. We're all of importance. You can waste your time wining about what you don't have, about all that's "against you".. or you can go out and do something about it. Dreams don't have to stay dreams. No matter what kind of mistakes we make, no matter how selfishly we may act, no matter how much wreckage we leave in our path.. our futures are never hopeless. WE are NEVER hopeless. God is always present & we all hold a position in his heart as unique, unrepeatable expressions of his love=]
--Angelica Ruth.

Words erased. Lets reconstruct.

Remember when I had paragraphs and paragraphs about the boy? Well, lets try again. Just because you can't see what's "wrong" with someone, doesn't mean they're "right." Because, whether we'd like to believe it or not.. there are great people in the world. We're surrounded by them. We just, for some reason, spend our time focusing on the bad people and all that's wrong in our life.. instead of the upper side. We're human. Point is, we can't go around falling for every good person in this world. If we let that happen, we're going to end up over looking the right person.If a man wants you, nothing can keep him away & if he doesn't, nothing can make him stay. How brutal is this world of love? The ups, downs, build me up, break me to pieces, naive and hopeful fantasy we bathe in. So true. But so worth it. I have some of THE most incredible people to ever walk this world in my life. I'm so beyond blessed. I have more love in my life, that most people only dream of. It's astonishing to realize that there's so much more to come. One of the remarkable people in my life showed me a quote that couldn't fit more perfectly.
"The funny thing about love is that sometimes we're so scared of getting hurt or of it not working out..that we shy away from the opportunity staring us straight in the eye. We're so scared, too scared to take a chance. It well may be in the end of it all, when we turn around we have true love in our grasps and just never realized we were so close." I never tire of turning around and being stunned at all the possibilities I over look. My over analyzing, worrisome, caring ways can definitely get me in my share of debacles... but it also leads to a pretty damn moving epiphany. Let's try this again.
Hi, I'm Angelica. I used to think I knew it all, come to find out--I don't. I'm not invincible either, that lesson hurt a lot more then you'd imagine. I'm a sucker for the little things in life. Pick me a flower from my front yard, and tell me you traveled the world for the perfect one & it led you back to me. Don't take my heart, earn it. I sometimes pretend i'm this impossible heart to grasp, no one can break through.. wrong again, i sometimes wear my heart on my sleeve for all the wrong boys. I'm just a girl. I have dreams, determination, desires, and fears just like every one else. To you i might just be another face in the crowd. But someday, to someone, i'll be the one. I'm destined for love, just like you. Thrilling aint it? But frustration's quick to follow. Music is where you'll find my soul, it'll be outdoors, along with all the animals and kids, on a warm day with everyone drinking lemonade and laughing to no end.Dire to have someone. Ha, nah. Just thankful to God that someday it'll be real. Someday i'll be holding his hand as he's holding me.. I'll look up into those eyes and feel it again. That rush, comfort, the certainty. I'll smile & tell you I never doubted you, i knew you were real. The way I see it, patience is a pretty small price to pay for what you'll be rewarded with in the end. Dontcha think?I want happiness just like everyone else. It's not the boy in the past i'm chasing. It's the emotion from the memory. Being held, looking up and knowing you're in the arms of the person who loves you most in the world. The little moments. The stupid humiliating stories only you two know about. The security, trust, total package. I miss looking at someone knowing there wasn't a competition. I was it. Seeing him and no one else came close to comparison. He didn't have to be the cutest, funniest, smartest, most talented anything. Nothing else mattered, because he was the only one to give me that feeling.
You know what I'm talking about. You want to smile, laugh, cry, scream, hold 'em close and run away all at once. You're not exactly sure if anything about the person or relationship in itself fits or is "right" but you KNOW that the feeling can't be wrong. There's nothing wrong about something so beautiful. All anyone wants is someone to love them back. If we find that, we're the luckiest person in the world. I've come to realize, and ACCEPT that my past can't keep defining my now, and what I do with my future. Because if that continues.. then i guess i'm here forever. I can't be stuck on the other side of the glass. I'm better than that. I'm the girl who deserves it all.
Maybe we're meant to meet the wrong people before meeting the right one, so that when we finally meet the right person, we'll know how grateful to be for the gift. Maybe it's true that we don't know what we have until we lose it. But yet we don't know what we've been missing until it arrives. Giving someone all your love is never an assurance that they'll love you back. The happiest of people don't necessarily have the best of everything; they just make the most of everything that comes their way. Happiness lays with those who cry, those who hurt, those who have searched, and those who have tried, for only they can appreciate the importance of the people who've touched their lives.
--Angelica Ruth.